just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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