So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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