Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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