Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
