Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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