well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
