How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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