Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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