I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
