Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
