martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
