Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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