Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
