When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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