cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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