I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize