I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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