It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
