My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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