Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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