I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
