is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
