I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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