Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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