woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
