My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
