your parents love me but you hate me
She announced her abortion via fbk
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
