Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
