have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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