I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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