I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
