my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm both gender and math confused
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
