Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
