I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
