so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
