Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
