Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
