broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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