I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Randomize
