I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The struggles of a small town man whore
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
