i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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