mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
