I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
