theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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