You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
