I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
