Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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