I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
