Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
