Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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